It's hard to blog when you don't really have anything to blog about. Right now, the highlight of my life is my daughter starting school next week. She's entering the 4th grade. I'm aware that while all this is absolutely fascinating and exciting for me, it may not be "so much" for others. I'll try to keep my kid talk minimal. I absolutely adore/love her teachers. Both have already impressed me so much and I just can't believe we get to spend the next 2 years with such special people. My daughter has a peanut/tree nut allergy so I met with both of them today (as well as our School Nurse who I also adore/love) to go over the plan for the year. Meet the Teacher was last night - great experience but oh so fast. Today I had more time to talk to her teachers and I just left with this super happy feeling - so happy to start the school year. It is so evident that both of her teachers teach because they feel a calling to do so and love what they do.
Not much movement on my own academic endeavor.
Here is what I've done so far:
1) Registered for GMAT Prep Course
2) Registered to take GMAT
3) Applied to take Undergrad Level courses at UTA in Spring 2013
4) Ordered my transcripts from SMU and TCC (was TCJC when I was there)
Here is what I still need to do:
1) Make an appt to speak with the Graduate Advisor about my plans and make sure I'm on the right track.
Honestly, until I speak to him, I feel like I'm at a bit of a standstill on things. I have some questions for him.
#1 - The letters of recommendation.....how imperative is it that I get 3? How does he feel about my plan to take 2 undergrad classes (Econ/Math) as a way to refresh my Math/Econ skills and possibly get 2 current letters of recommendation from Professors I've had?
#2 - There are 3 MA Econ tracks to choose from. One is for those who know they want to apply elsewhere for PhD Economics (UTA doesn't have a PhD Econ program). The other 2 seem similar other than one has a thesis requirement and the other doesn't. How soon do I need to decide which track I want to take? My initial thought is I feel like I'm good with the non-thesis, non PhD seeking track. However, what if I start and I decide that I just can't imagine living another second without a PhD in Economics? I guess I just want to leave my options open/flexible...just in case. I likely won't go that far but what if I do? I don't want to rule it out. So, I want to talk to him about that.
I've been on 2 job interviews in the past 2 weeks. Imagine that? Have I mentioned I have horrible short term memory so I can't remember if I've already talked about this in my previous blog posts or not and I'm too lazy to save this blog post and go back and re-read my other blog posts so if you read this and it's deja-vu, just skip this next part. However, I feel it's relevant to this whole school thing so I'm going to blog about it.
About 3 weeks ago, I wondered if I should look into getting a part-time job (part-time as in really part-time, 20 hours a week (25 max). I didn't mind too much about what the job was and I wasn't too bothered by what it paid. Mostly, I was looking for something that would work out so that my kids' schedules would have the least impact (i.e. I wanted to work while they're in school - every antsy stay-home mom's dream). I started looking and it just seemed like this type of thing doesn't exist. Then I realized that I actually do care what kind of job I have and what it pays...especially if it means I'm going to have to make arrangements to have my son dropped off at school (he starts at 9am) &/or pick both kids up from school. How I spend the hours I have during the day while they're at school doesn't hold as much value to me as how I spend the hours I have during the day when they're not at school if that makes sense? So, I applied for things and grew frustrated by the types of jobs I felt I would be considered for given the lapse between when I was last employed (9 1/2 yrs ago) and now. I went through this exact same thing 2 years ago...I even found a job as a part-time Financial Analyst and it paid relatively well/competitive. The problem was that their idea of part-time was 35 hours a week and it was a solid 30 minute drive each way from my house AND I would have started the job during the summer which meant I would need to find childcare for my kids for the entire summer (expensive and I was bummed about not spending the majority of the summer with them). So, after back and forth with the HR person and the Hiring Manager I decided it just wasn't a good fit for me at that time and I put the whole job thing on the back burner and ended up volunteering more at my daughter's school. I thought about the idea of going back to school then to get my MA in Econ at UTA - I even called the Econ Graduate Advisor then and we talked about things for half an hour. I chickened out though. That's as far as I got with the whole thing.
4 or so years before that I did the same thing. I was stuck between figuring out if we wanted to grow our family by 1 (at the time, our daughter was 3) or should I go back to school and we continue as a family of 3. I didn't get very far with the school thing then. I contacted our adoption agency and filled out their paperwork instead of contacting a school and filling out their paperwork. No regrets :0)
So, I interviewed for a position about a week ago. By this time, I pretty much had my game plan for school but thought that if there was some way I could make both work, I would try. This was a work from home position and had lots of interesting things to do (a relatively new company experiencing a lot of growth) but it was 35 hours a week and it just didn't pay enough to make it worth the sacrifices I'd need to make to make it work. A few days ago, I received a call from another company I applied to. It's about 3 minutes from my house so the commute would be great. I went on an interview and wasn't blown away by the time of work I would be doing - very much an Administrative type position which again, if I was working 9:30 - 1:30 I could do it but the hiring manager was looking for someone to work 8am - 5pm 4 days a week. Definitely not something I'm open to - short commute or not. The pay wasn't where it needed to be for me to consider this and to me, 8am - 5pm 4 days a week isn't part-time. I'd rather work 5 days a week 6 hours a day and skip lunch. Anyway, on the plus side - I now know that I do care about what the job is and I do care about what the pay is and I doubt I'll find something that meets both of those targets given my current situation (very out of the job world) so back to square one. Go back to school and cross my fingers that once I finish that, I'll find something more similar to what I'm looking for.
Well, speaking of being a stay-home mom - I guess I need to do some stay-home mom'ish type things now. Enough of this self-indulgent blog thing. I think I'll clean my bathroom. Yay!?!? See why I'd rather spend the day at a job? Even if it isn't something I want to do :0)
Friday, August 24, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
3rd Thoughts
It is far too late in the day to post and I HAVE had a glass of wine so I really shouldn't but I am really trying to maintain my commitment to "follow-through" so for those of you who are readers, I may actually have the shortest post ever. No promises. Big Bang Theory is going on in the background though so I may get distracted.
Before I made the decision to apply to Graduate School, I began with multiple searches on Monster.com and other related job searches. Part-time. I have probably applied to 30 jobs...most, if not the vast majority I really wouldn't be interested in. However, there was this one job...I applied and thought "if I get a call from this one, I'll definitely interview and see where it goes". Well, today I got a call from the guy actually hiring for the position, not the HR recruiter person that typically screens the applicants. I have an interview tomorrow at 11am. If it doesn't knock my socks off, I'll say thanks but no thanks. I am now so concerned that I'll find some reason to not follow-through with my Graduate School plans that I'm actually talking myself out of finding a part-time job. However, the extra cash and getting something to fill in my gap would be nice. My main concern is the sacrifices I'll have to make if I take a job. Even a part-time job. This particular job is 30 hours a week. It's in the Mortgage industry (new to me, I've always been in Telecom) which could be useful WHEN I finish my MA Econ (always think positive). Hmmmm.....we'll see. It is 5 minutes (literally) from my home and the guy hiring mentioned his wife has a part-time job where she is able to pick her children up from school and wondered if that's the sort of thing I'm looking for (yes in fact, it is).
The only glitch, I'm hoping to do 2 classes during the day in the Spring. I suppose I could do them at night but really really wanted to do them during the day. It just sounded so perfect to do my 2 GMAT Prep Classes in the evening for 5 weeks then a break. Then start school (take 2 undergrad level math/econ courses) and go while my kids are in school 2 days a week then a BIG summer break then go to Grad school in the evening for a year then I'm done and ready to hit the ground running (I think).
See, I told you this would be a short post. Once again, I'm not proofing before publishing so forgive me if it rambles or has spelling/grammar mistakes.
Before I made the decision to apply to Graduate School, I began with multiple searches on Monster.com and other related job searches. Part-time. I have probably applied to 30 jobs...most, if not the vast majority I really wouldn't be interested in. However, there was this one job...I applied and thought "if I get a call from this one, I'll definitely interview and see where it goes". Well, today I got a call from the guy actually hiring for the position, not the HR recruiter person that typically screens the applicants. I have an interview tomorrow at 11am. If it doesn't knock my socks off, I'll say thanks but no thanks. I am now so concerned that I'll find some reason to not follow-through with my Graduate School plans that I'm actually talking myself out of finding a part-time job. However, the extra cash and getting something to fill in my gap would be nice. My main concern is the sacrifices I'll have to make if I take a job. Even a part-time job. This particular job is 30 hours a week. It's in the Mortgage industry (new to me, I've always been in Telecom) which could be useful WHEN I finish my MA Econ (always think positive). Hmmmm.....we'll see. It is 5 minutes (literally) from my home and the guy hiring mentioned his wife has a part-time job where she is able to pick her children up from school and wondered if that's the sort of thing I'm looking for (yes in fact, it is).
The only glitch, I'm hoping to do 2 classes during the day in the Spring. I suppose I could do them at night but really really wanted to do them during the day. It just sounded so perfect to do my 2 GMAT Prep Classes in the evening for 5 weeks then a break. Then start school (take 2 undergrad level math/econ courses) and go while my kids are in school 2 days a week then a BIG summer break then go to Grad school in the evening for a year then I'm done and ready to hit the ground running (I think).
See, I told you this would be a short post. Once again, I'm not proofing before publishing so forgive me if it rambles or has spelling/grammar mistakes.
Monday, August 20, 2012
2nd Thoughts
Today I saw my Psychiatrist. This is my 2nd visit with her. My last visit was 2 weeks ago and I have another visit scheduled in 2 1/2 weeks. Once we get my medication sorted out (I'm taking Lamictal and ramping up my dose at the moment...I'm now at 150 mg) I'll only need to see her once every 2 - 3 months. I really really liked my other Psychiatrist but my husband took a new job so alas, he is not on our new insurance. I was his patient for 5 years. Anyway, my new Psychiatrist agreed with his diagnosis that I have Bipolar Disorder although she feels I am Bipolar I and he (if I remember correctly) said I was Bipolar II. Whatever. She feels that I would benefit from seeing a Therapist. When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I saw a Psychologist. In fact, he recommended the Psychiatrist I ended up with. I saw my Therapist for 2 years then decided the appointments felt very burdensome unlike in the beginning when I really felt like I was benefiting from them. So I stopped. Cold turkey. I have thought about seeing a Therapist again but the entire process of finding one feels very overwhelming. Nonetheless, I have a list of therapists that my new Psychiatrist recommended and I have spent the last 3 or so hours comparing that list with the list of therapists who are in-network with my insurance then looking them up online. I then got distracted and began just looking up all therapists who are in network with my insurance and tried to research them. I started with PhD and PsyD (my previous therapist was PsyD) and then began looking at the others. I really feel more comfortable with PhD and/or PsyD. I really wish I could find someone on both lists who are very familiar with Bipolar Disorder. I guess that is what I will do tomorrow....call the ones who are on both lists (my Psychiatrist and insurance). Crazy that this has turned into such a long process but not surprising. I don't have a project at the moment so this has given me something to do.
I'm really anxious to start my GMAT Prep Course. It starts in a couple of weeks. I worry though that once I start, I'll think "what the heck have I gotten myself in to?" It is a 30 - 45 minute drive from my home without traffic. It's 2 consecutive nights in a row from 6:30 - 9:30pm. On the one hand, I'm thinking how fun it will be to have 2 nights with no responsibilities other than going to a class. I'll have nearly an hour in the car with no noise other than the radio. A friend suggested I go to the library and borrow a book (or two or three) on CD. I am definitely doing that. On the other hand, what if I don't feel like going? It's only for 5 weeks. I can definitely muster the energy it takes to do this for 5 weeks then I will take my GMAT about 3 or 4 days after my classes end. I'm looking forward to taking the GMAT (at least I am now because I am optimistic about these Prep Classes). I really want to prove to myself that I can do better than average on this. I took the LSAT after our 1st failed in-vitro attempt (so way back in 2001). At the time, at the age of 30, I decided to worry about getting pregnant when I'm 40 (because surely by that time, they'll figure out how to get people pregnant more easily) and apply to Law School. I had a great plan. Apply to a Law School near me which was a good law school but not an excellent law school (I felt I had a good chance of being accepted and if not, there was another law school a bit further away but still drive-able that I knew for sure I could get into) and finish then work then do the pregnancy thing (oh yes, I never intended to be a stay-home mom...it was only during our preparation for our home study visit when we applied to adopt that we had a talk and I said that I really didn't want to miss a second of our baby's life so in order to do that, I needed to be a stay-home mom. To my surprise, my husband was supportive and here I am...9 1/2 years later - a stay-home mom who is now making plans to change all that) Ah yes, back to my LSAT and Law School plans. I took a Princeton Review LSAT Prep class and paid a fortune for it and a week or so before it ended, my husband found out his job was transferred to Seattle (we lived in Dallas at the time). I looked into Law Schools there and there was University of Washington which was at the time in the top tier so I felt like I didn't stand a chance of being accepted there and Seattle University (I think that's the name) and it didn't have the type of curriculum I was looking for...so I lost all motivation of applying to Law School and preparing for the LSAT. I took the test and scored a 152. Average. Yuck. I never score average on those types of tests. I guess me taking the GMAT is sort of like proving to myself that I can do better when I try. So, I never applied to Law School. Instead, we moved to Seattle and I decided to scratch the whole Law School thing and let's try one more in-vitro. If I back up a bit, after our 1st unsuccessful in-vitro, I was ready to apply to adopt and my husband wasn't. Hence my decision to do the LSAT/Law School thing (Plan B). We had a horrible experience with our 1st in-vitro. I'll save that for another post. Anyway, we moved to Seattle, settled in (sort-of) and started our 2nd in-vitro attempt. It didn't work. However, this time our wonderful RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) had a follow-up appointment afterward and told us that we may want to consider other options as we didn't respond well to in-vitro. I was like "YAY!!!" and the next day, called the Adoption Agency I wanted to work with and a month later, we were on our way to the world of adoption. Four months later our daughter was born.
I digress.
I guess the whole point of this post is...I saw my Psychiatrist today and have spent most of the day on my "project" looking for Psychologists. Fingers crossed I find "the right one". Also, I'm looking forward to starting my GMAT Prep Classes. Actually kind of mixed emotions on that one but for now, I'm excited. I just hope I stay that way. I have a tendency to start things full of gusto then lose steam halfway through and regret what I started.
I do like this blog thing. I don't think I'm going to proof this one though...too much work. Here goes!
I'm really anxious to start my GMAT Prep Course. It starts in a couple of weeks. I worry though that once I start, I'll think "what the heck have I gotten myself in to?" It is a 30 - 45 minute drive from my home without traffic. It's 2 consecutive nights in a row from 6:30 - 9:30pm. On the one hand, I'm thinking how fun it will be to have 2 nights with no responsibilities other than going to a class. I'll have nearly an hour in the car with no noise other than the radio. A friend suggested I go to the library and borrow a book (or two or three) on CD. I am definitely doing that. On the other hand, what if I don't feel like going? It's only for 5 weeks. I can definitely muster the energy it takes to do this for 5 weeks then I will take my GMAT about 3 or 4 days after my classes end. I'm looking forward to taking the GMAT (at least I am now because I am optimistic about these Prep Classes). I really want to prove to myself that I can do better than average on this. I took the LSAT after our 1st failed in-vitro attempt (so way back in 2001). At the time, at the age of 30, I decided to worry about getting pregnant when I'm 40 (because surely by that time, they'll figure out how to get people pregnant more easily) and apply to Law School. I had a great plan. Apply to a Law School near me which was a good law school but not an excellent law school (I felt I had a good chance of being accepted and if not, there was another law school a bit further away but still drive-able that I knew for sure I could get into) and finish then work then do the pregnancy thing (oh yes, I never intended to be a stay-home mom...it was only during our preparation for our home study visit when we applied to adopt that we had a talk and I said that I really didn't want to miss a second of our baby's life so in order to do that, I needed to be a stay-home mom. To my surprise, my husband was supportive and here I am...9 1/2 years later - a stay-home mom who is now making plans to change all that) Ah yes, back to my LSAT and Law School plans. I took a Princeton Review LSAT Prep class and paid a fortune for it and a week or so before it ended, my husband found out his job was transferred to Seattle (we lived in Dallas at the time). I looked into Law Schools there and there was University of Washington which was at the time in the top tier so I felt like I didn't stand a chance of being accepted there and Seattle University (I think that's the name) and it didn't have the type of curriculum I was looking for...so I lost all motivation of applying to Law School and preparing for the LSAT. I took the test and scored a 152. Average. Yuck. I never score average on those types of tests. I guess me taking the GMAT is sort of like proving to myself that I can do better when I try. So, I never applied to Law School. Instead, we moved to Seattle and I decided to scratch the whole Law School thing and let's try one more in-vitro. If I back up a bit, after our 1st unsuccessful in-vitro, I was ready to apply to adopt and my husband wasn't. Hence my decision to do the LSAT/Law School thing (Plan B). We had a horrible experience with our 1st in-vitro. I'll save that for another post. Anyway, we moved to Seattle, settled in (sort-of) and started our 2nd in-vitro attempt. It didn't work. However, this time our wonderful RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) had a follow-up appointment afterward and told us that we may want to consider other options as we didn't respond well to in-vitro. I was like "YAY!!!" and the next day, called the Adoption Agency I wanted to work with and a month later, we were on our way to the world of adoption. Four months later our daughter was born.
I digress.
I guess the whole point of this post is...I saw my Psychiatrist today and have spent most of the day on my "project" looking for Psychologists. Fingers crossed I find "the right one". Also, I'm looking forward to starting my GMAT Prep Classes. Actually kind of mixed emotions on that one but for now, I'm excited. I just hope I stay that way. I have a tendency to start things full of gusto then lose steam halfway through and regret what I started.
I do like this blog thing. I don't think I'm going to proof this one though...too much work. Here goes!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
1st Thoughts
Finally, instead of thinking about things (and thinking and thinking and thinking) I've decided to do something I don't always do. I'm going to follow through on these thoughts. I'm going to implement a process where I think about something, decide if it is really something I should give more attention to or if it's just filler. If it deserves more attention, I'll write it down (here hopefully) or in the case of filler I'll cross it off and not give it another thought. If I write it down I'm going to start the process to do it. My main goal is to finish the process and have a result - closure. Closure is something I love. Another goal is to not clutter my thoughts with lots of things that really don't need to be done, those fleeting busy work type things.
Blogging is one of my recent thoughts. Documenting my mood swings. That one is actually on the advice of my Psychiatrist. I have Bipolar disorder and keeping track of where my mood is at and what's going on in my life that leads me to where I'm at with my mood is useful....at least that's what I've been told.
A bit about how my Bipolar disorder affects me. I usually refer to my highs and lows as "times when I have a lot of energy and times when I feel drained". To me, that explains how I am and how I have been for a very long time. I have periods where I feel very motivated, full of ideas, able to multitask, very social, and very busy. This is how it starts. It just starts one day. I wake up and feel motivated and focus on things that seem like they need to be done whether it's organizing my attic, purging our toy room, filling the holes in my childrens' schedules, rearranging furniture, planting flowers, or reading through all my cookbooks and cooking magazines in order to plan a week's worth of evening meals, etc etc etc. Often, I start one project get distracted then begin another project then another and before I know it, it's time to pick the kids up from school (or on the weekends feed them lunch or dinner or take them to a birthday party or movie I've promised them we'd see) so I HAVE to stop but I don't want to but I know it's not possible to just not pick them up from school so I leave and start the other 1/2 of my day which involves school pick-ups, activity drop-offs & pick-ups, dinner, homework, bath time, then bed time. It all sounds so simple and well organized but sadly, I'm not as structured as I should be so it always seems like I'm barely getting those things done "on time" and definitely not as well as I should be so I make a mental note that one day, I'm going to get a more structured and organized process for "the other 1/2 of my day" which then goes on my to-do list as another project.
I may only spend one day like this or I may spend a week or two like this and during that time, I'm very busy. I don't have time to do all the things that really need to be done because I am so focused on the other things I am doing so I procrastinate on the other stuff because it just doesn't fit in with the sense of urgency I have for these other projects. When I'm busy, it's like I don't have an off switch. I literally can't stop what I'm doing. I will try (once I realize that I'm kind of in an "overly energized" mode) but it is really hard to slow down once I start. I have trouble sleeping because I'm thinking or doing then the less sleep I get the less sleep I need (technically that's not the case but that's how my body interprets it). Fortunately, I am now aware that sleep is key to me living a somewhat balanced life. If I don't get a grip on the amount of sleep I get then that "overly energized" feeling becomes a Hypomanic episode or even worse a Manic episode. I think I've only had a handful of full blown manic episodes over the course of the past 20 years. I've had more Hypomanic episodes than I can count. I experience the overly energized episodes on a regular basis even though I'm on medication. Sometimes, the energized me slows down on my own with a manageable and short lived crash and burn (thank you Lamictal) and sometimes I don't. Either way, I'm left feeling very drained and unmotivated and once I see the full extent of everything I've been ignoring I feel overwhelmed by the need to catch up (which is hard to do when you're doing well just to get out of bed and function) and feel bad about myself that I let things go and that leads to feeling depressed and unworthy of all the wonderful things I have in my life so I pull away from everything and recover and get back to a balanced me but then one day, I'll wake up and decide I am feeling like I want to get some things accomplished and the cycle begins all over again.
I know I'm experiencing a Hypomanic episode when suddenly I realize that my brain is very cluttered with ideas and thoughts and plans. I go from feeling very organized (my calendar looks absolutely amazing when I'm in an overly energized phase) and having it all together and keeping track of everything to suddenly feeling like I can't think and there's just too much. I forget things like appointments and commitments (even with reminders). I don't know what to do when I wake up, I don't know where to start. I just feel very very cluttered and frustrated and frozen. I feel like if I can just have some time to myself without any commitments or responsibilities then I'll be able to breathe and function but in the real world (or at least in mine) that can't happen so instead, I just shut down and it lasts awhile.
For me, I want to function just short of feeling overly energized. I like feeling motivated and I like the sense of accomplishment when I actually am able to cross things off my list. I like it when I feel engaged with my children and feel as though I'm enriching their lives as their mother and not relying solely on outside activities or TV programs or Video Games to keep them busy and distracted while I am either too busy or too tired to do mom things. I am constantly trying to balance too much in my life with too little in my life. This is a fine line for me. I know I don't tolerate stress well yet I don't want to just eliminate all stress from my life either because that to me isn't functioning. I just have to make sure that while I am doing things and making commitments that I don't over commit or over do. I have to make an effort to not compare myself with other people who have a higher threshold for stress.
Quite a long post for my 1st Thoughts. I still have much more to say so I will start another post for that one.
Blogging is one of my recent thoughts. Documenting my mood swings. That one is actually on the advice of my Psychiatrist. I have Bipolar disorder and keeping track of where my mood is at and what's going on in my life that leads me to where I'm at with my mood is useful....at least that's what I've been told.
A bit about how my Bipolar disorder affects me. I usually refer to my highs and lows as "times when I have a lot of energy and times when I feel drained". To me, that explains how I am and how I have been for a very long time. I have periods where I feel very motivated, full of ideas, able to multitask, very social, and very busy. This is how it starts. It just starts one day. I wake up and feel motivated and focus on things that seem like they need to be done whether it's organizing my attic, purging our toy room, filling the holes in my childrens' schedules, rearranging furniture, planting flowers, or reading through all my cookbooks and cooking magazines in order to plan a week's worth of evening meals, etc etc etc. Often, I start one project get distracted then begin another project then another and before I know it, it's time to pick the kids up from school (or on the weekends feed them lunch or dinner or take them to a birthday party or movie I've promised them we'd see) so I HAVE to stop but I don't want to but I know it's not possible to just not pick them up from school so I leave and start the other 1/2 of my day which involves school pick-ups, activity drop-offs & pick-ups, dinner, homework, bath time, then bed time. It all sounds so simple and well organized but sadly, I'm not as structured as I should be so it always seems like I'm barely getting those things done "on time" and definitely not as well as I should be so I make a mental note that one day, I'm going to get a more structured and organized process for "the other 1/2 of my day" which then goes on my to-do list as another project.
I may only spend one day like this or I may spend a week or two like this and during that time, I'm very busy. I don't have time to do all the things that really need to be done because I am so focused on the other things I am doing so I procrastinate on the other stuff because it just doesn't fit in with the sense of urgency I have for these other projects. When I'm busy, it's like I don't have an off switch. I literally can't stop what I'm doing. I will try (once I realize that I'm kind of in an "overly energized" mode) but it is really hard to slow down once I start. I have trouble sleeping because I'm thinking or doing then the less sleep I get the less sleep I need (technically that's not the case but that's how my body interprets it). Fortunately, I am now aware that sleep is key to me living a somewhat balanced life. If I don't get a grip on the amount of sleep I get then that "overly energized" feeling becomes a Hypomanic episode or even worse a Manic episode. I think I've only had a handful of full blown manic episodes over the course of the past 20 years. I've had more Hypomanic episodes than I can count. I experience the overly energized episodes on a regular basis even though I'm on medication. Sometimes, the energized me slows down on my own with a manageable and short lived crash and burn (thank you Lamictal) and sometimes I don't. Either way, I'm left feeling very drained and unmotivated and once I see the full extent of everything I've been ignoring I feel overwhelmed by the need to catch up (which is hard to do when you're doing well just to get out of bed and function) and feel bad about myself that I let things go and that leads to feeling depressed and unworthy of all the wonderful things I have in my life so I pull away from everything and recover and get back to a balanced me but then one day, I'll wake up and decide I am feeling like I want to get some things accomplished and the cycle begins all over again.
I know I'm experiencing a Hypomanic episode when suddenly I realize that my brain is very cluttered with ideas and thoughts and plans. I go from feeling very organized (my calendar looks absolutely amazing when I'm in an overly energized phase) and having it all together and keeping track of everything to suddenly feeling like I can't think and there's just too much. I forget things like appointments and commitments (even with reminders). I don't know what to do when I wake up, I don't know where to start. I just feel very very cluttered and frustrated and frozen. I feel like if I can just have some time to myself without any commitments or responsibilities then I'll be able to breathe and function but in the real world (or at least in mine) that can't happen so instead, I just shut down and it lasts awhile.
For me, I want to function just short of feeling overly energized. I like feeling motivated and I like the sense of accomplishment when I actually am able to cross things off my list. I like it when I feel engaged with my children and feel as though I'm enriching their lives as their mother and not relying solely on outside activities or TV programs or Video Games to keep them busy and distracted while I am either too busy or too tired to do mom things. I am constantly trying to balance too much in my life with too little in my life. This is a fine line for me. I know I don't tolerate stress well yet I don't want to just eliminate all stress from my life either because that to me isn't functioning. I just have to make sure that while I am doing things and making commitments that I don't over commit or over do. I have to make an effort to not compare myself with other people who have a higher threshold for stress.
Quite a long post for my 1st Thoughts. I still have much more to say so I will start another post for that one.
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